We’ve been on the road for a couple of hours now but you’re still all I can think about. I stared out the window as the houses, cars, shops and people whizzed by and all I could see was your face staring back at me like a specter on the foggy bus window.
I spent the last few hours trying to wrap my head around the whole situation, trying to understand why you weren’t making this trip with me…why you weren’t making your weird jokes as I paid for the bus tickets, why my head wasn’t resting on your shoulder at this very moment and why there’s a cell phone where your hand should be.
I hate everything right now, I hate the lady sitting next to me, I hate the orbit lemon chewing gum she offered me earlier, I hate that it’s your favorite, I tried to listen to some music and I hate how every song my phone plays is one you sent to me and I pretty much hate that everything around me reminds me of you.
I hate the last 24 hours and everything that happened. I thought it would be me and you, we’d leave and try this thing out somewhere else, away from everyone who thought we were crazy for simply wanting to be together, away from everyone who believed you and I shouldn’t be together, all those people who cursed us and made it clear that we were not wanted.
I still remember how sweaty your palms were as you told my dad you’d take care of me and do anything to make me happy, the way tears ran down your face when your father said he no longer had a son…I can still feel the warm sweat on your palm when I held your hand in mine, how I squeezed it tight and deep down I knew that somehow, some way we’d be okay…I was certain that one day we’d find happiness.
The only thing that mattered was I had you and everything would be okay. Now 24 hours later and here I am, all alone, taking the last bus to anywhere.
I’m still staring at the last message I sent you, I told you I’d be here…I waited on the bench next to the gate just like you asked me to…I fought back the tears with every passing minute that you weren’t there, suddenly everyone who came through that gate looked like you. It took every last ounce of my being to pick up my bag and jump into the bus and take that last seat on the left and just go.
You were all that ever made sense to me and all that probably ever will.
I love you but I hate you right now for running away. I hate you for not being the strong one you always were. I hate you for backing out when all the chips were down. I hate you for leaving me, for leaving us.
I can still hear my mother crying, calling out to her only son, begging me to stay, telling me that everything would be okay; she cried out and said she’d love me either way. “Your father would come around eventually” she said.
I couldn’t stay, It had to be done, I’d have to let go and I’d have to find a new place to call home.
I’ll stay strong and believe in what we could have been, I’ll find peace elsewhere.
You said you’d never let me go.
I’ll be strong for the both of us, maybe one day you’d realize that you let go of true happiness. Maybe one day, you’ll be right next to me.
Maybe, just maybe.